Hello friends! I’m writing this from bed with my laptop tucked under my breasts and balanced on my sternum which is to say, from the creative fetal position. When I first began drafting this post, I was trying to find a soft landing at the “acceptance” phase of grieving, and failing miserably. Let me explain.
As I’ve been going on about ad nauseam for almost a full calendar year this point, I am making a movie called PICK ME. I wrote about my journey of deciding that I had to either make the movie or move back to Minneapolis to become a jaded English teacher who takes her frustrations out on the kids here. But I haven’t told you all the full truth.
The truth is, my dearest apologists -
I AM DROWNING.
[SPOTTED: me mid-take and realizing how royally fucked I truly am in real time]
I wanted to do things right - make sure no one was working for free, everyone was well fed and had the resources they needed to make something beautiful. And they did. To the tune of $70,000 out of my own pocket.
And not only that, but the timing just happened to coincide with the industry burning down, both figuratively and, you know, literally.
Standing naked outside in the middle of yet another crossroads, I did the one thing I swore I would never do. I launched a crowdfunding campaign. And to be clear, the reason I didn’t want to do it is because of my own personality defects. I have no problem cheering on my many artist friends when they take to the streets to raise money, already “established” or not. But for me, it felt different. It felt like admitting defeat or showing my hand when I wasn’t even conscious of the fact that I was playing a game. I want to seem like I have it all together. In some ways, I do. I am a successful screenwriter with a fat ass and no one can take that away from me. But despite my programming, I’ve come to accept that there are some things I cannot do alone.
So I gave in. I have connections in the industry, fans from my podcast days and general inability to shut the fuck up online. Should be a piece of cake, right? But guess what?
I FLOPPED.
This is, quiet literally, my worst nightmare come to life. I did the unthinkable, a class A code violation in the Child of Immigrants handbook - I asked for help. And I was paid dust. Emails scrolled past, texts ignored, humiliating front-facing content averaging 75 views.
What I did not prepare for was how triggering (a word I do NOT use lightly) this whole thing would be. As a product of a couldn’t-be-more-dysfunctional household, I have hemorrhaged money on enough therapy to know how deeply I have internalized the idea that I am, for all intents and purposes, alone. No one is coming to save me, they never have and they never will, so my only way forward has always been to bootstrap my way to success by any means necessary and future proof myself so I never have to feel that way again. When people look at me, I know a lot of them see “High Achieving Northwestern Grad and TV writer.” But all I see is “Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents, Keep Coming Back, It Works If You Work It.”
My work is doing everything I can to help my brain think otherwise, but shit like this certainly does not help.
But then, something incredible happened. I got real (see: video I will never be able to watch again, also embedded above) and people responded. They welcomed me with open arms, assured me that there are people interested in what I have to say (since when do I even need outside validation what the FUCK) and… donated to my campaign. I was a flop no more.
But with only TEN HOURS left until the end, WE STILL HAVEN’T MET OUR GOAL. Kickstarter is all or nothing so the stakes could NOT be higher.
There is still time to stop me from flopping.
If you’ve worked with me, watched my work, read this newsletter, laughed at my podcasts, or nodded along to my rants - this is your moment. I would do a sports reference here if I could but, well, you know.
Donate. Tell a friend. Send up a prayer for me and apologies in advance for the secondhand embarrassment I’m sure this newsletter has inflicted on you. It’s been completely brutal.
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Kickstarter: tinyurl.com/pickmekickstarter
Prefer to donate directly? tinyurl.com/supportpickme
Want to follow along?: @aprilkortoquioh
I will be going live on Tiktok (first time for everything as a reminder I am 32 years old) and staying live until we meet our goal. Join us!
